So, I had this thing

And it wasn't really a thing, more of a fling (I feel like Dr. Seuss with the rhyming right now) with this guy. Unfortunately, I enjoyed his company.  I only say unfortunately because, for me, sex is different from emotions.  Sex is enjoyable of its own accord. I enjoyed sex with this guy. I also enjoyed what I thought could be friendship, because he isn't too stupid to talk to. He's actually really smart. I mean, he's a guy, and he stopped calling me for sex, so obviously he's not that smart.

But there's that. He stopped calling and texting. I know he had personal shit going on with friends. I know because he told me. We talked about sad stuff. About real life stuff. Like friends do.

He also blew me off the last two times we were supposed to hook up. Clearly he's a moron. Not only am I attractive, and amazing in bed, but I also have no desire to be married, or attached, or trapped or anything. I want to be able to have some sex. Maybe a nice talk. And go home.

Fuck me. Is that so hard?

Turning the corner?

I didn't realize that I was sad. I knew I was hurt. I knew I was angry. I was definitely relieved. I didn't know I was sad.

I took Scout to visit her dad yesterday. We hadn't seen him since we spoke Monday morning about all of our issues, and the implications of those.

He is still so very sad. And I thought that my sadness was guilt. I felt so guilty for so long about the situation that was forced upon him. I felt like the pregnanxy, and his forced commitment to me, was my fault. I felt like he lost his son (part time, anyways) because of me. And most of all, I felt like he lost his marriage, any hope of regaining what he once had, because of me.

I thought, and sometimes I still do, that I stayed because of this guilt. This overwhelming, all encompassing guilt that I felt. I probably did. I know I did. It turns out, though, that I do have true feelings for him. At least, I think that's what I'm finally feeling, after I feel all the hurt, anger, guilt, and sadness. It sure is something.

We talked the other day, when Scout was napping. And I collapsed into a pile of sobbing, weeping, hysterical, ugly-crying mush. I'm sad, not just because he's in pain. I'm sad, not just because I've lost possibility. I'm sad, not just because Scout loses her dad.

I'm sad because I loved, and I didn't know it. I'm sad because we were too stupid to step back, and see that we were going too fast. I'm sad because I'm afraid that we can't get it back.

Hopefully, maybe, some day, when we're all not so angry, and we can see the world a little more clearly, ee can join back up on the same path.

It's a strange feeling, to realize that you've squandered something as precious as that. Even if the situation was as volatile as ours.

For now, Sev is trying to find the man that he lost, even before we met. The man that he thought he was. I'm trying to be the mother that my children deserve.

Wish me luck. I'll take advice, if you've got some.