I've cried at the bar.

Like REALLY cried at the bar. 

Sometimes I get a little sad. Surprisingly, less often than I expected. I guess that tells me that separating from Sev was really the right choice for our lives. I remember when my ex-husband and I split up, I was SAD. Really, really sad. 

So, I cried. I sobbed. In public. At a bar. I was that girl. 

Openly expressing those emotions, without feeling ashamed or embarrassed that I was feeling them was so freeing. I released the sadness, and accepted the love that surrounded me. And I felt good. 

Usually, though, when I get sad, or dejected, it's due to memories. Memories of my late godson, or things that make me remember him. In that instance, I try to remember the good. I put our love in perspective. I remember the smiles. I go back to embrace my feelings. 

For all of my standoffish bluster, I embrace my own feelings well. I just choose to keep them to myself, for a variety of reasons. 

When I'm just feeling generally dreary, I'll play with all the children, or watch them play together. They beat my heart. Coming home from work to find Huck snuggled on the couch with Scout warms my little grinchy heart. "Mom, she was crying, and she wanted to sit with me." How do you say no to that? You don't. You snuggle the little munchkin back into her bed, snuggle the big boy into his bed, and tell everyone that you love them until the ends of the earth. And you sleep peacefully. Because love is what we live. 

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December Prompts NaBloPoMo

Turning the corner?

I didn't realize that I was sad. I knew I was hurt. I knew I was angry. I was definitely relieved. I didn't know I was sad.

I took Scout to visit her dad yesterday. We hadn't seen him since we spoke Monday morning about all of our issues, and the implications of those.

He is still so very sad. And I thought that my sadness was guilt. I felt so guilty for so long about the situation that was forced upon him. I felt like the pregnanxy, and his forced commitment to me, was my fault. I felt like he lost his son (part time, anyways) because of me. And most of all, I felt like he lost his marriage, any hope of regaining what he once had, because of me.

I thought, and sometimes I still do, that I stayed because of this guilt. This overwhelming, all encompassing guilt that I felt. I probably did. I know I did. It turns out, though, that I do have true feelings for him. At least, I think that's what I'm finally feeling, after I feel all the hurt, anger, guilt, and sadness. It sure is something.

We talked the other day, when Scout was napping. And I collapsed into a pile of sobbing, weeping, hysterical, ugly-crying mush. I'm sad, not just because he's in pain. I'm sad, not just because I've lost possibility. I'm sad, not just because Scout loses her dad.

I'm sad because I loved, and I didn't know it. I'm sad because we were too stupid to step back, and see that we were going too fast. I'm sad because I'm afraid that we can't get it back.

Hopefully, maybe, some day, when we're all not so angry, and we can see the world a little more clearly, ee can join back up on the same path.

It's a strange feeling, to realize that you've squandered something as precious as that. Even if the situation was as volatile as ours.

For now, Sev is trying to find the man that he lost, even before we met. The man that he thought he was. I'm trying to be the mother that my children deserve.

Wish me luck. I'll take advice, if you've got some.