The one where Mom is the good guy

I know that this whole thing is new, and, at this point, because I'm kind of a chicken, I'm just using it as a way to think out loud.  I'll tell my story to myself, so that, hopefully, like watching a movie, I'll say, "that's enough! Get off your ass and change it!" 

Hopefully.  This is the story where Mom is the good guy.  Three children depend on me.  Three.  And two of them already know that the life that I'm living is unacceptable.  Huck (10) and Pippi (8) would rather sleep at my parents' house than to be subjected to the occasional fits of anger that Sev would bring to the table.  Scout, the baby, is still too little to know better.  But she won't be for long.  That's why I need ambition.  That's why I need to remember. 

It was all such a whirlwind at first.  I got divorced, Sev left his wife.  We figured, "what the hell?" It was fun, and carefree.  Harmless, I thought.  He was getting a bit attached, but that was okay.  It was a slow-moving train, and I figured I could jump if I had to. 

Well, turns out, there wouldn't be any jumping.  I ended up pregnant very quickly, and I didn't really know what to do.  I offered him the opportunity to leave.  No questions asked.  I had two children, and I had my family.  I could do it on my own.  I knew I could. 

He didn't want it.  He wanted in.  Okay.  We were doing it.  We had prenatal visits, morning sickness, children, and a new relationship.  It was a lot of life to try to meld while my body was on a roller-coaster ride of epic hormonal waves.  I thought, hoped, that some of the red flags that I saw were just over-reactions because of my past, because I was touchy, hormonal, scared, and hurt. 

I never expected to be let down so terribly though. 

We have argued, and I accept my share of blame for that.  I'm no angel.  I'm assertive, controlling, and over-protective. 

Huck and Pippi have been hurt by their own father.  He's come around, but they know what it is to be hurt and disappointed by a man that they love. I swore that they would never feel that again.  This is worse.  Now, they fear a man.  They fear a man that I chose to allow into our homes, into our lives. 

Huck will now only spend the night with us if he knows Sev is at work.  Pippi asked my sister for an emergency cell phone the other day. 

I fell asleep on the couch with Scout, and never went up to bed.  When Sev got up in the morning, he had a fit.  He threatened to throw the couch out the window, drag it behind the car, set it on fire.  He said those things in front of the baby, and Pippi.  Of course she's scared. 

Sev thinks that Huck is a spoiled brat.  He thinks that Huck disrespects me.  Given this most recent turn of events, I have to say that nothing could be further from the truth.  Huck is the man in my life.  Any other man will have to accept second.  Or fourth, on the list of my people.  I have my ladies, too.  I guess Sev missed that memo. 

We aren't going to live a life of disrespect any more.  We aren't going to just get by.  I'm not just surviving.  That isn't a life.  It certainly isn't a life that I want for my kids.  If I've raised them well enough that they understand that the dynamics of this relationship are inappropriate, then I want them to know that I understand that I deserve more. 

We learn together.  All four of us.  And we're going to figure this out. 

We have love.  We have each other.  Now, we're moving forward.  With a good guy. 

I hope I can do it.