The way out of a place is sometimes easy, and sometimes fraught with peril. Your journey to the end can find itself taking many twists and turns. I've found that, often, I'm not sure I've reached the end of a path until I've stumbled upon it.
I've taken Scout out of the home we lived in with Sev. Scout, Pippi, Huck, and I are now staying with my parents.
Sev took the news better than I expected he would. He was angry, for a minute, but mostly, he was sad. He was so very sad. I wanted to make it not hurt him so much, but I knew, and I know, that this is the right thing for all of us. We cannot continue down that same dangerous path. With every argument, we creeped closer and closer to the edge. To the line where things are said and done that can't be apologized for. Things that cannot be forgiven.
I told him, on Sunday, that I was going for the night, and that we could talk the next day. He knew then. He knew. He also knew that i was trying to be kind. To let him down gently. To make it easier.
I don't want him to lose his daughter, and I hope that I've made that clear. I didn't want to hurt him so badly, and it kills me to have done so.
When we spoke tonight (a couple of days later), he said, "I think you're right. This probably is best for both of us. I was never going to stop yelling. I probably need a break, too. I need to figure myself out."
I hope he means it. I hope he means it for himself. For the kids. I hope it's not for me.
Me? I'm sad. But I'm sad for other reasons. I'm sad at the loss of possibility. I'm sad that I've hurt another person. That makes me feel selfish. Selfish. I don't know how to feel about that. It's got such a terribly negative connotation, but is it really that bad to be selfish? Just sometimes?
I'm fairly certain that I've rambled.on. Excuse any current errors - I'm on my phone right now. I'll edit if necessary as soon as I can.
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