"Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up. Whoa, here she comes. She's a maneater."
My brothers, who love me a lot, played that song for my new husband at our wedding reception. They played it out of jest. We're funny people, and it's a funny thought. I'm a strong, independent woman, and I have only ever taken shit while trying to pretend that a relationship is okay.
They say that I break men. I make them crazy.
Maybe I do. But I don't think it's my fault. Unless you'd like to blame me for making poor relationship choices. I'll own that. Sometimes things happen, though. Sometimes extenuating circumstances exist that make things harder than they should be, whether it's a long term commitment, or a dating relationship that is just starting out.
I loved my ex-husband. Part of me still does. But some things didn't work. When he got angry, and called me terrible names, I couldn't deal with that. When his OCD would get the best of him, and he would obsess over the "signs" that I was cheating on him. I would interact with men, and would have to remember the conversation in order to recount the details later.
It was all too much. I had two kids at the time, and he had one. Plus he was in law school, while I worked full time to support our family. Law school did not help his confidence. Not in the least. As he felt less successful, he mistrusted me more. It was a dreadful cycle.
I don't make men crazy. I just don't tolerate it well when it comes out. I like to have time for me. I like sitting alone with a beer and some football. I like not answering for every second of every day. Often, I forget. Because it doesn't matter.
I enjoy feeling wanted, sometimes. I don't need it all the time. I've offended every significant other in my life when I've told them that I don't need them. I like them, I want them there, but I don't need them.
What's so wrong with not being needy?
I fear that this is all over the place, but I'm going to let it ride for now, and revisit it another time.
♡
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